John Carter

Two stars for the technical aspect, otherwise, awfully dull. It kept me interested for about 45 minutes, then it lost me. An unlikeable hunk jumps around in Mars surrounded by four-armed green creatures, there’s the expected fateful encounter… and I don’t give a toss… If it was at least funny in any way! But no, just sterile boredom. Millions of dollars wasted and one of the most pointless blockbusters in recent years. (18/05/2012)

Hollywood is a place of endless possibilities and the most bizarre encounters. Cowboys & Aliens didn’t do so well, so why not throw “Mannequins and White Monkeys” at viewers… A major positive of this remake of Turkish Star Wars is that it is capable of self-irony in its embryonic state. The jokes at the film’s own expense problematise (but do not preclude) the acceptance of the position of a being that intellectually towers high above the trash presented here. Carter’s endless interest is abandoned right from the start just so that the filmmakers can use the hero’s unfamiliarity with his new environment to situate him on the level of Martian toddlers and, in light of their high technical level, the “jumpy” action scenes are helped rather than hurt by the fact that Stanton uses live actors as if they were animated characters. For the same reason, the film’s most entertaining “hero” is a hyperactive half-tonne dog. The timing of the crucial moments is rendered according to the handbook for novice screenwriters, while the wooden acting and fast-food philosophising with a glaring attempt to justify mass murder (what’s the fuss when it’s for a good cause and the poor perpetrator is driven by personal trauma?) simultaneously serve as ammunition for those who consider contemporary American genre movies to be an evil comparable to the near extermination of the buffalo and the invention of Facebook. As a result, we can alternately enjoy how the film is both self-aware and unaware of its own silliness. Really, I can’t come up with enough rational arguments to form a shield that would deflect the comments of those who consider John Carter to be a feeble-minded mess. But no one can take those two hours of spectacular entertainment and reminiscing about reading adventure novels from my grandfather’s library away from me. Thanks also to nostalgia, this time I didn’t get the unpleasant feeling that comes with the knowledge that something so exceedingly lame must have cost $250 million to make. 80% (07/03/2012)

Martian soap opera. Technically brilliant, which was to be expected of Stanton, but problematic in all other respects. John Carter is a return to the "great stories", but it does not update them in any way, and unfortunately, it is not even able to draw on their receptivity and magnetism. As a hero, John is controversial because his "superpowers" are quite doubtfully laid out - for a while he acts awkward, then suddenly he accumulates enemies into neat pyramids. Unfortunately, the enjoyment of similar heroes stems, to a certain extent, from predictability and the resulting sweet expectation of the triumph of the hero over those who have no idea. Carter can jump, but he is unable to excite. Also because Taylor Kitsch is pretty kitschy. And also because the script sinks into weak-minded phrases and useless nonsense, which is crowned by a bit of moralizing. There is even talk about the destructive impact of social differences in a film that cost two hundred million dollars. Weak is not only the chatter, but also the characters as such - harmless derivatives seen many times without any major appeal. I'd love to write that I saw a charming old-school sci-fi. In fact, I saw something much closer to The Phantom Menace than A New Hope - and unlike Lucas, Stanton doesn't have an open treasure trove of working mythology. He goes into debt, he promises, he promises, but he never pays it... Two moments from the whole film remain in my memory: a flashback that pays off nicely and a slap. But Carter and his creators really needed a lot more of them. Three stars out of respect for the technical aspects (and perhaps also out of respect for the courage to resurrect this literary mummy). (06/03/2012)

A forgotten sixth-rate classic, whose excessively lukewarm reception from the audience showed that its time has long passed. And it's a damn shame, because the hero John Carter, the tough guy Kantos Kan, or my childhood love Dejah Thoris truly come to life on the big screen in all their beauty. The haphazardly cut timeframes scared me a bit in the first few dozen minutes, but once everything settles on Barsoom, the sides are divided and the jumping, slashing, and heroic speeches to the crowds begin, all becomes clear. A successful blockbuster takes place between two worlds, transforming the ancient cult into a spectacle full of lines, action, and very well-done moments (the battle cut with a flashback left me with my mouth wide open). We may not get a sequel, but one story for us adventure-seekers will remain. (12/03/2012)

John Carter was great. What’s brutal is that there are still some nutjobs in Hollywood who don’t mind drowning a quarter of a billion dollars in a movie. The important thing is that the director used this money to make such a perfect phantasmagoria, which in its own way even makes some sense. Sure, there’s much of objectively crazy nonsense, but in the context of such a fantasy movie it can be forgiven. I haven’t seen anything like this for a long time and I really enjoyed it. Also mainly because I really like such films, but they are terribly rare. The actors were great, the rendition absolutely perfect. What more to add? Maybe just the fact that I would like to see a sequel, but that’s probably quite unlikely. (09/01/2013)