Necrotongue

This is what I call a timeless film. It will soon celebrate its thirtieth anniversary, but it’s still relevant today because Americans wag the dog quite often. The nuclear threat has become too much of a cliché, so now American heroes are forced to save the world by attacking countries in possession of chemical weapons (allegedly) and a very weak air force (definitely). The cast was star-studded, the screenplay was well-written, and it’s another proof that Leni Riefenstahl knew what she was doing – when it comes to propaganda, she still has followers.

The movie seemed great at first. It had an interesting premise and just about when I was starting to really enjoy myself, a strange disappointment set in. The plot was reduced to running around the beach from east to west and then from west to east, accompanied by constant wailing. Given the generous running time, it soon got pretty irritating. Nonetheless, I made it to the end, for which I was "rewarded" with a ridiculous conclusion for which M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t even deserve to be cursed by me. The lesson to take from this? If someone offers you a vacation on a deserted beach, remember to bring contraception.

I found Mateusz incredibly likable, and I could really empathize with his character. Once again, Polish filmmakers have proven their understanding of their craft. This was a prime example of a story excellently written and even better directed, one that truly resonated with me. Mateusz's fate was perfectly suited for drama if not outright tragedy, yet the creators managed to weave in subtle (but oh so effective) flashes of humor.

With this Ridley Scott spectacle, I was grateful that although technology is moving forward at a dizzying pace, movies still cannot transmit smells. Judging by the realistic take on the Middle Ages, the smells would be strong and unpleasant in this case. The grim visuals were enough. The story was excellent, and the music added to the medieval atmosphere perfectly. I found it nice that the filmmakers didn't force their truth on me; I got to see three versions of the same event, each of them different, so I'm glad God took the decision upon himself, and I could just sit back and watch. It was worth it. And the long running time? It just raced by.

I am always apprehensive about movies categorized as horror. Paradoxically, I'm afraid that I won't be scared, and I'll be bored out of my mind instead. It usually turns out that way. In this case, it was different. I can’t say I was scared as it wasn’t really a horror movie, but it worked very well as a sort of mystery thriller featuring my favorite Keri Russell. Even the lead child role was cast perfectly. The boy seemed to be given just enough to eat each time to last until the end of the scene, and then he was left to starve again until the next cut. In a damp cellar. The movie had a great atmosphere, and I wonder how much the producers had to pay the Londoners for giving up their weather for the duration of the filming. It was humid, it was foggy, and there was explicit violence. The only thing missing was the horror. But I enjoyed it nevertheless.

It’ll do as an action flick for a lazy afternoon. You can even catch up on some chores while you’re watching, as it’s not very demanding. I couldn’t help feeling that the film was trying to pretend it was better than it actually was. I’m sure Potemkin would be proud. All those supersmart and cool dialogues were actually about nothing, the amazing twists were hardly surprising, and the whole thing was just plain mediocre. The lesson I took away from the film is: "If you can't shoot, don't invest in a revolver, buy a shotgun instead. Preferably a semi-automatic." My other takeaway was that I learned to tell the difference between a professional killer and a psychopath.

The Russians have always known how to make movies. As long as they manage to avoid patriotism and ripping off Marvel movies (as a last-ditch move), they are able to make movies that are worthwhile. As far as I can tell, the 90s were similar (if not identical) for the former Eastern Bloc countries. Property was redistributed (often in a not-so-legal way), white horses became a highly endangered species, and the local governments were taken over by the all-powerful nouveau riche and ransom collectors. The film convincingly portrays this decade from the perspective of 13-year-old Masha. Polina Guchman was great as Masha and totally outshined her older fellow actors. 4*+

An excellent film that will have you laughing out loud, unless you’re a sensitive person in which case it’ll make you sick to your stomach. The Norwegian filmmakers went all out and punched up what could have been a run-of-the-mill home invasion so well that it would make even Quentin Tarantino proud. But he probably would have wished there were two hours more of talking:-) It was a very violent film, parts of human anatomy were cruelly cut, stabbed, shot, chopped, torn, and shattered, lying around in both a solid and a semi-liquid state, and yet there was still room for a considerable amount of quality (mostly black) humor. If Noomi Rapace's character hadn’t exhibited T-1000 resistance, I would have given the movie five stars. But it still deserves a strong four. 4*+

Either I'm resistant to fear (which I don't think so), or contemporary filmmakers are incapable of making an actual horror movie. The basis was good; there was a haunted house and an even scarier stone box, and… that’s it. The filmmakers were obviously trying to create an atmosphere full of tension, but they failed in this respect. I was quite bored by the film. The pair of hideous, murderous, white heterosexuals did fit the current trend, but I would have been more scared of Greta. And the monster? It was more funny than scary, but if I were a virgin, I'd probably stay one and steer clear of women.

What a disappointment. For a crime film, it lacked atmosphere and suspense, there wasn’t enough humor for a comedy (a Polish variation on Inspector Clouseau doesn’t count as humor), and it wasn’t much of a drama either. It was a hodge-podge of various genres (even a bit of romance), but everything seemed to be half-baked. I don’t even think the premise had the potential of being turned into something worthwhile. 2*-